Hi, yah I havent posted in over a fucking month because way to much shit has been going on. I had a fucking mental break down because J wasn't fucking me and he was just leading me on like every other guy and was just using me for rides to his stupid job. Like I just wanted to be friends but he wasn't even interested in me as a person enough to be friends, so I bought a bunch of Xanax from my friends ex and then so I spent like two weeks totally fucked up beyond my fucking mind. Then my sugar daddy came to my work and gave me a shit load of pot. Ive basically just been getting fucked up this whole past month. While on Xanax I had a total Blue Violet worthy mental breakdown. I slit my wrists and texted J to tell him I was going to kill myself. Of course I don't remember exactly what I said so he called me and told me to calm down, then he called all of my friends to tell them they should be on suicide watch and that I was a psycho and that he would never talk to me again, this traumatized me even more and sent me on a downward spiral of epic proportions. But I got really skinny because of it so whatever. I basically popped a shit load of Xanax and cried a lot. Also I drank a lot of Jack Daniel's which isn't normally like me but whatever. I did a bunch of other fucked up shit but I have no memory of any of it, there was also molly involved. Anyway I'm pretty sure that J is really afraid of me. He called me like two days later asking for $50 and saying that he cares, I'm pretty sure he only said that for the money. I'm weak so I gave it to him. My friends all hate him. I still like him. I still hate myself. But I'm trying to love myself. I'm trying to get my shit together. But I just don't know how many times I can go through this. Like why cant the right man just love me? Why do I fall for these guys that don't fall for me? I always end up blaming myself even though its not my fault. If prince charming doesn't show up soon my Xanax dreams might become a reality. FUCK. Maybe J is right, maybe I should be on suicide watch. Not that he fucking cares.
XXX
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