Im Fucking Crazy

Hi, yah I havent posted in over a fucking month because way to much shit has been going on. I had a fucking mental break down because J wasn't fucking me and he was just leading me on like every other guy and was just using me for rides to his stupid job. Like I just wanted to be friends but he wasn't even interested in me as a person enough to be friends, so I bought a bunch of Xanax from my friends ex and then so I spent like two weeks totally fucked up beyond my fucking mind. Then my sugar daddy came to my work and gave me a shit load of pot. Ive basically just been getting fucked up this whole past month. While on Xanax I had a total Blue Violet worthy mental breakdown. I slit my wrists and texted J to tell him I was going to kill myself. Of course I don't remember exactly what I said so he called me and told me to calm down, then he called all of my friends to tell them they should be on suicide watch and that I was a psycho and that he would never talk to me again, this traumatized me even more and sent me on a downward spiral of epic proportions. But I got really skinny because of it so whatever. I basically popped a shit load of Xanax and cried a lot. Also I drank a lot of Jack Daniel's which isn't normally like me but whatever. I did a bunch of other fucked up shit but I have no memory of any of it, there was also molly involved. Anyway I'm pretty sure that J is really afraid of me. He called me like two days later asking for $50 and saying that he cares, I'm pretty sure he only said that for the money. I'm weak so I gave it to him. My friends all hate him. I still like him. I still hate myself. But I'm trying to love myself. I'm trying to get my shit together. But I just don't know how many times I can go through this. Like why cant the right man just love me? Why do I fall for these guys that don't fall for me? I always end up blaming myself even though its not my fault. If prince charming doesn't show up soon my Xanax dreams might become a reality. FUCK. Maybe J is right, maybe I should be on suicide watch. Not that he fucking cares.

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7-8-13

I was going to finish writing about the rest of my lessons but then I got totally bored and realized that I don't have much else explanation for the rest of them. Also I know what they mean to me and lets face it for now not many other people are reading this and I'm not sure they ever will be. Ok lets see, this past week was really chill. I went to my psychic and she told me great things, going back to see her tomorrow actually. Also, I saw JL last week, I drove him to work, he grabbed my hand and put it on his dick, you know...the usual stuff. Other than that not much has happened. I've been hanging out with friends and also I quit my job and I am not at all regretful about it. Selling my things on Ebay until I find a replacement job, which will hopefully be the ice cream shop!

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My Boss is Off Her Rocker Insane

This lesson that I learned no longer applies because I quit my job the other day. Thank God.

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I Get Absolutely Everything I Want

I know that this sounds kind of like a bitchy thing to say, but its true, I get everything I want. Always. But I'm super appreciative of it and I always acknowledge it. I'm so glad that I've been blessed enough to come so far in life so quickly. Its totally crazy. Anyway this is a quick lesson that I learned last month. I look back on my life and realized I have everything I want, and the reason I got it all and get all of these things is because I ask and I'm thankful when I do get it. Its simple, its just good karma. I send good vibes and I get them :) the universe loves to help those that have good intentions. Always remember that, its not what you do, its the outcome that you intend.

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Sugar Daddys Can Be Sweet

This lesson is quite an interesting one that I learned. A man, we'll call him JA started coming into my store a few weeks ago. Turns out he's best friends with my hair dressers boyfriend. Needless to say he's totally into me. Like so into me that he is offering me a job that he made up just because he knows I want one. Literally I think he'll do anything for me. Problemo...hes 40 and Im 17. He took me to dinner and we totally hit it off, too bad that it got kind of awkward when we both realized we cant really hook up. He keeps texting me to ask me on another date but like, I don't know if thats going to happen. Should it happen? He's really sweet and he told me he wants to take care of me which is super tempting but at the same time the age difference is large and I'm not super attracted to him soooo...its kind of a road block. Anyway, I'm going to need to do some more thinking on this topic before I commit myself....except I just texted him for lunch because I remembered that I quit my job and only have $37 to my name! Oh fuck, lucky for me I dont give a fuck.

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Cooks can help you but it can also smash your dreams

My friend DB and I discovered that you can purchase cheap champagne at the local mini mart run my our dear Indian friend that has been trying to unload pipes on us for the past month "buy one get one free, buy one get one free!" echoes in my head constantly. Anyway Cook's champagne was discovered about a week ago and we decided that not only is it not bad at all but that it's 2 bottles for $22. Being the bargain that that is we decided that getting totally wasted on it was an amazing plan since nothing but good can come from getting hammered. WRONG. The first night that this all started was when I had a bottle of this disgusting kiwi strawberry pinnacle we did shots and then DB proceeded to drape herself in my giant $14,000 PURPLE silver fox fur coat and drive through the taco bell drive through. After we got home we ate and drunkenly Netflix-ed the night away and woke up with hangovers like true champs. Not only that but we also took 20mg of Lexapro which was not a great mixture. I then proceeded to have hung over sex with JL the next morning and walk into my Algebra exam 20 minutes late which inevitably I failed. Feeling down on my spirits DB did what any good friend would do. She said we should get wasted again the next night, I of course obliged because now that I had failed my exam I could at least celebrate not having any responsibilities till August which is good enough reason for me to get hammered. So DB asks me what she should get, of course I say Champagne. She goes to the mini mart and discovers the bargain that is Cook's and shows up at my house with one bottle and a Lexapro prescription. After one bottle, two pill's each and about 43 mental break downs we hop in DBs car and go on a hunt for another bottle. She ran over quite a few of those construction road cones, apparently we didn't realize how drunk we were until we actually got in the car. I also decided somewhere along the way that JL had for sure impregnated me and that in case that the one bottle I had downed hadn't killed the spawn I would need to know immediately so we went to the pharmacy and DB proceeded to steal two pregnancy tests. Normally we don't steal but this wasn't us this was two very drunk girls that had no idea what they were doing. We also purchased a package of gummy peach rings. After that we proceeded to go to Steak & Shake and order fries, while we waited we went into the bathroom and both peed on sticks, hers was a very clear not pregnant and mine was a slightly less clear not pregnant, according to her I didn't get enough pee on it. Whoopsie. Anyway after we confirmed that I'm most likely not pregnant we ran out of Steak & Shake with our diet coke's and fries in hand and proceeded to go back to my house where we watched Netflix and I passed out on my floor while DB passed out on the day bed in my guest room. We woke up the next day with slight hangovers and parted ways. Later that afternoon my mother offered to treat me to Starbucks and like any smart hung over girl I obliged. While at Starbucks I get a text from DB asking if I want to hang out with her and her friend. I met with them around 7pm and we ate Macaroons, everything was going smoothly until I had the bright idea that nothing would go better with Macaroons than Cook's. So we went to our favorite mini mart located conveniently down the street from where we were hanging out. We then drove to the top of a parking garage and proceeded to drink our Cook's out of plastic cups or if you're me, with a straw straight out of the bottle. We polished off one bottle together and then I had them drop me off because I looked retched and didn't want to go to some high school party with them but this wasn't before I had the bright idea for them to take me to visit JL who long story short I thought I totally fucked up with but later I found that I had done absolutely nothing wrong (that was my smashed dream) not as bad as you would think. However after DB dropped me off her and BG proceeded to drink another 2 bottles plus other alcoholic drinks. She woke up sans a boyfriend, a Michael Kors watch and an IPhone. Luckily within the next few hours she located her IPhone and convinced her (now long distance) boyfriend he was an idiot for breaking up with her so they got back together, however still no word on Michael Kors watch. I guess her smashed dreams were worst than mine. Luckily all was fixed for the most part and I'm left looking forward to our next Cook's adventure. I'm sure I'll have plenty of hysterical details to share.

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6-29-13

I had a job interview with Hollister yesterday, I think it went pretty well. Currently working on my second life lesson blog on here. Its super long because the story is super long. I've been lost in though a lot this past few days. I keep on coming up with these brilliant thoughts and totally forgetting them. I'm having a total mental breakdown because I feel fat and need to feel skinny again so I'm going on a psycho diet. JL texted me last night, I don't think I have more than fuck buddy feelings for him, at least currently. I feel like he just uses me and I kind of use him, also lets not forget how I drunkenly hooked up with his ex-bff. Whoopsie. I had a fabulous brunch this morning with my friend LP and got a new Lilly Pulitzer planner since the new prints came out. Its been way to long since I've had sex (last Thursday) JL needs to get his shit together before I bail on him for my new sugar daddy (will talk about in later blog). I'm at work right now and should be pricing jewelry but instead have taken over boss ladies computer to blog and fuck off until she yells at me. Unfortunately I forgot my laptop in my rush to get ready this morning. Im currently trying to convince DB to visit me and rescue me from total boredom. Another 4 hours and 15 minutes till I'm out of here.

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