Im Fucking Crazy

Hi, yah I havent posted in over a fucking month because way to much shit has been going on. I had a fucking mental break down because J wasn't fucking me and he was just leading me on like every other guy and was just using me for rides to his stupid job. Like I just wanted to be friends but he wasn't even interested in me as a person enough to be friends, so I bought a bunch of Xanax from my friends ex and then so I spent like two weeks totally fucked up beyond my fucking mind. Then my sugar daddy came to my work and gave me a shit load of pot. Ive basically just been getting fucked up this whole past month. While on Xanax I had a total Blue Violet worthy mental breakdown. I slit my wrists and texted J to tell him I was going to kill myself. Of course I don't remember exactly what I said so he called me and told me to calm down, then he called all of my friends to tell them they should be on suicide watch and that I was a psycho and that he would never talk to me again, this traumatized me even more and sent me on a downward spiral of epic proportions. But I got really skinny because of it so whatever. I basically popped a shit load of Xanax and cried a lot. Also I drank a lot of Jack Daniel's which isn't normally like me but whatever. I did a bunch of other fucked up shit but I have no memory of any of it, there was also molly involved. Anyway I'm pretty sure that J is really afraid of me. He called me like two days later asking for $50 and saying that he cares, I'm pretty sure he only said that for the money. I'm weak so I gave it to him. My friends all hate him. I still like him. I still hate myself. But I'm trying to love myself. I'm trying to get my shit together. But I just don't know how many times I can go through this. Like why cant the right man just love me? Why do I fall for these guys that don't fall for me? I always end up blaming myself even though its not my fault. If prince charming doesn't show up soon my Xanax dreams might become a reality. FUCK. Maybe J is right, maybe I should be on suicide watch. Not that he fucking cares.

XXX

7-8-13

I was going to finish writing about the rest of my lessons but then I got totally bored and realized that I don't have much else explanation for the rest of them. Also I know what they mean to me and lets face it for now not many other people are reading this and I'm not sure they ever will be. Ok lets see, this past week was really chill. I went to my psychic and she told me great things, going back to see her tomorrow actually. Also, I saw JL last week, I drove him to work, he grabbed my hand and put it on his dick, you know...the usual stuff. Other than that not much has happened. I've been hanging out with friends and also I quit my job and I am not at all regretful about it. Selling my things on Ebay until I find a replacement job, which will hopefully be the ice cream shop!

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My Boss is Off Her Rocker Insane

This lesson that I learned no longer applies because I quit my job the other day. Thank God.

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I Get Absolutely Everything I Want

I know that this sounds kind of like a bitchy thing to say, but its true, I get everything I want. Always. But I'm super appreciative of it and I always acknowledge it. I'm so glad that I've been blessed enough to come so far in life so quickly. Its totally crazy. Anyway this is a quick lesson that I learned last month. I look back on my life and realized I have everything I want, and the reason I got it all and get all of these things is because I ask and I'm thankful when I do get it. Its simple, its just good karma. I send good vibes and I get them :) the universe loves to help those that have good intentions. Always remember that, its not what you do, its the outcome that you intend.

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Sugar Daddys Can Be Sweet

This lesson is quite an interesting one that I learned. A man, we'll call him JA started coming into my store a few weeks ago. Turns out he's best friends with my hair dressers boyfriend. Needless to say he's totally into me. Like so into me that he is offering me a job that he made up just because he knows I want one. Literally I think he'll do anything for me. Problemo...hes 40 and Im 17. He took me to dinner and we totally hit it off, too bad that it got kind of awkward when we both realized we cant really hook up. He keeps texting me to ask me on another date but like, I don't know if thats going to happen. Should it happen? He's really sweet and he told me he wants to take care of me which is super tempting but at the same time the age difference is large and I'm not super attracted to him soooo...its kind of a road block. Anyway, I'm going to need to do some more thinking on this topic before I commit myself....except I just texted him for lunch because I remembered that I quit my job and only have $37 to my name! Oh fuck, lucky for me I dont give a fuck.

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Cooks can help you but it can also smash your dreams

My friend DB and I discovered that you can purchase cheap champagne at the local mini mart run my our dear Indian friend that has been trying to unload pipes on us for the past month "buy one get one free, buy one get one free!" echoes in my head constantly. Anyway Cook's champagne was discovered about a week ago and we decided that not only is it not bad at all but that it's 2 bottles for $22. Being the bargain that that is we decided that getting totally wasted on it was an amazing plan since nothing but good can come from getting hammered. WRONG. The first night that this all started was when I had a bottle of this disgusting kiwi strawberry pinnacle we did shots and then DB proceeded to drape herself in my giant $14,000 PURPLE silver fox fur coat and drive through the taco bell drive through. After we got home we ate and drunkenly Netflix-ed the night away and woke up with hangovers like true champs. Not only that but we also took 20mg of Lexapro which was not a great mixture. I then proceeded to have hung over sex with JL the next morning and walk into my Algebra exam 20 minutes late which inevitably I failed. Feeling down on my spirits DB did what any good friend would do. She said we should get wasted again the next night, I of course obliged because now that I had failed my exam I could at least celebrate not having any responsibilities till August which is good enough reason for me to get hammered. So DB asks me what she should get, of course I say Champagne. She goes to the mini mart and discovers the bargain that is Cook's and shows up at my house with one bottle and a Lexapro prescription. After one bottle, two pill's each and about 43 mental break downs we hop in DBs car and go on a hunt for another bottle. She ran over quite a few of those construction road cones, apparently we didn't realize how drunk we were until we actually got in the car. I also decided somewhere along the way that JL had for sure impregnated me and that in case that the one bottle I had downed hadn't killed the spawn I would need to know immediately so we went to the pharmacy and DB proceeded to steal two pregnancy tests. Normally we don't steal but this wasn't us this was two very drunk girls that had no idea what they were doing. We also purchased a package of gummy peach rings. After that we proceeded to go to Steak & Shake and order fries, while we waited we went into the bathroom and both peed on sticks, hers was a very clear not pregnant and mine was a slightly less clear not pregnant, according to her I didn't get enough pee on it. Whoopsie. Anyway after we confirmed that I'm most likely not pregnant we ran out of Steak & Shake with our diet coke's and fries in hand and proceeded to go back to my house where we watched Netflix and I passed out on my floor while DB passed out on the day bed in my guest room. We woke up the next day with slight hangovers and parted ways. Later that afternoon my mother offered to treat me to Starbucks and like any smart hung over girl I obliged. While at Starbucks I get a text from DB asking if I want to hang out with her and her friend. I met with them around 7pm and we ate Macaroons, everything was going smoothly until I had the bright idea that nothing would go better with Macaroons than Cook's. So we went to our favorite mini mart located conveniently down the street from where we were hanging out. We then drove to the top of a parking garage and proceeded to drink our Cook's out of plastic cups or if you're me, with a straw straight out of the bottle. We polished off one bottle together and then I had them drop me off because I looked retched and didn't want to go to some high school party with them but this wasn't before I had the bright idea for them to take me to visit JL who long story short I thought I totally fucked up with but later I found that I had done absolutely nothing wrong (that was my smashed dream) not as bad as you would think. However after DB dropped me off her and BG proceeded to drink another 2 bottles plus other alcoholic drinks. She woke up sans a boyfriend, a Michael Kors watch and an IPhone. Luckily within the next few hours she located her IPhone and convinced her (now long distance) boyfriend he was an idiot for breaking up with her so they got back together, however still no word on Michael Kors watch. I guess her smashed dreams were worst than mine. Luckily all was fixed for the most part and I'm left looking forward to our next Cook's adventure. I'm sure I'll have plenty of hysterical details to share.

XXX

6-29-13

I had a job interview with Hollister yesterday, I think it went pretty well. Currently working on my second life lesson blog on here. Its super long because the story is super long. I've been lost in though a lot this past few days. I keep on coming up with these brilliant thoughts and totally forgetting them. I'm having a total mental breakdown because I feel fat and need to feel skinny again so I'm going on a psycho diet. JL texted me last night, I don't think I have more than fuck buddy feelings for him, at least currently. I feel like he just uses me and I kind of use him, also lets not forget how I drunkenly hooked up with his ex-bff. Whoopsie. I had a fabulous brunch this morning with my friend LP and got a new Lilly Pulitzer planner since the new prints came out. Its been way to long since I've had sex (last Thursday) JL needs to get his shit together before I bail on him for my new sugar daddy (will talk about in later blog). I'm at work right now and should be pricing jewelry but instead have taken over boss ladies computer to blog and fuck off until she yells at me. Unfortunately I forgot my laptop in my rush to get ready this morning. Im currently trying to convince DB to visit me and rescue me from total boredom. Another 4 hours and 15 minutes till I'm out of here.

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I might have more than just fuck buddy feelings for JL

I figured that I'm going to do separate posts on each of my lessons that I learned in the past 10 days, which was the post that I posted yesterday. So the first one was about this guy JL that I've been fucking for a few months now. We've known each other for awhile and recently we decided to have sex and normally I wouldn't even allow myself to think of a fuck buddy as anything more than a friend with a nice dick but of course he just has to do cute sweet things every now and then just enough to make my mind wander into forbidden territory. Like send a sweet text, put his hand on my thigh or insinuate that he cares about me. Sometimes he lectures me on my stupid actions he's even slipped in a few 'I love you's' which is totally fine but he's also made it clear that he just wants to be friends, like he calls me dude and stuff which is also totally fine AND I have to admit I love it when he crosses the line into forbidden territory by doing those things but I mean like sometimes I wish he would be a little more clear. But for the most part I guess I like the mystery. Im not going to invest what is left of my heart and soul into him and I like playing this little game, its fun for me but is he ever going to just come out and tell me what he's really feeling? I guess only time will tell.

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Wednesday July 26th

I havent posted in 10 days sorry darlings. I've been busy figuring out life. I actually learned a lot in the past 10 days. Don't know if I'll have enough time to share all of my wisdom right now but here are a few things.

*I might have more than just fuck buddy feelings for a certain JL
*Cooks can help you but it can also smash your dreams
*Sugar daddy's can be sweet
*My boss is totally off her rocker insane
*I get absolutely everything that I want
*I failed my math class and I really don't care
*I will do anything for money
*I love sex
*PT got shot in the jaw, chest and shoulder and I visited him in the hospital for 3 hours and have a whole separate list of things I learned from that experience.
*My life is crazy
* My horoscope or psychic didn't predict any of these things so I was caught totally off guard.

xxx

Fathers day 6-16-13

As always I have lots to do and am putting it off. Went to the B residence in the morning to line up two of my friends as models for an event the boutique I work at is is hosting. My boss is bitching as to why I haven't been at work the past two days but I getting drunk and hooking up with guys has been higher on my priority list. Yesterday I called out of work due to "sickness caused by a big mac" took two and a half Valiums and gave the other half to GB. I got a Lemonade Breeze smoothie from a local cafe and proceeded to mix it with half a cup of Pinnacle strawberry kiwi vodka (absolutely retched alone but amazing mixed with a fruit drink) we ended up wasting the day doing random things and after dropping them off I went to my house to pass out, in the midst of all of this I ended up calling JL around 17 times and texting him psychotic texts to come fuck me around 4 times. He never replied which means he's never getting an answer from me again. Haha joking just sent him an apologetic text even though I'm not sorry I'm just a total psycho but I have to mask it. Anyway fueled by my drunken anger I ended up texting JL's ex-bff and gave him the best head of his life. We were both drunk and chances are he's in love with me now. My life has actually been insane this weekend. JL just responded to my apology and was really sweet about it. However I'm a sociopath so not really effected. Not really effected by much lately, maybe its because I'm so overloaded with things that I cant be. For sure taking this next semester of school off, just need to finish this stupid fucking math class. I am totally passing it, I have three assignments to do and am finishing them all today and showing up to class tomorrow like here, give me an A so I can be done already, however I did miss way to many classes hope this all works out. Whatever. Anyway I bought my dad single malt scotch for fathers day, he absolutely LOVED it. He's off with his friends being drunk and European and watching some soccer game now. I texted DB that I had purchased a new bottle of champagne while picking up daddy's gift and that she should come toast to the fact that neither of us has made anyone a father yet but she's being a lethargic bitch and wont get out of bed. So of course im laying in the guest room with a glass of champagne and drunkenly writing this as we speak. JL is being really sweet, no word from his ex-bff, maybe ill send him a slutty text a little later. UPDATE: Just sent slutty text ill keep you guys posted on reply.

June 10, 2013 busy betch

Literally woke up on the floor this morning just to find that I have to go to class. Go to class, turns out I have 6 math assignments due tomorrow morning. Ive done 1 and its midnight. On the bright side I am totally passing the class. Good thing its monday so I didn't have to work, I spent the day with JC we got Starbucks and went shopping for hair products it was pretty good, I still haven't posted my shit on Ebay so it looks like another all nighter, I really need Adderall but I cant find any so coffee it is, Ive given up on the idea of going to the gym, Im so fucking swamped with work right now like its fucking insane. My boss is fucking insane too don't get me started on her. However I applied at an ice cream store and I hope they hire me. Much more realistic hours and much more time spent doing something I actually want to do, plus the tips are good! I really hope they hire me, its the perfect summer job. So much better than dealing with the stress of a psychotic bitch, cant wait till I turn 18 in September and get a bar tending/waitressing job. I ended up staying out late tonight visiting my brother, I got my card declined at fucking McDonalds because my retarded boss wont pay me even though I am the one bringing all of the fucking customers in. It gets so annoying sometimes and I try to be positive but it gets hard, I think I'm losing weight from all of the stress and from not having money to buy food, by the end of the summer I should look like fucking Gwyneth. Anyway off to finally do math.

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The first day of the rest of my life

I have made an executive decision, today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I am getting my shit together and getting things done! NO MORE PROCRASTINATION. I promised myself that I would keep a blog everyday so I will, I promised my self I would finish my vision board so I will. I promised myself I will pass my Algebra class so I will! I am going to do this. Tomorrow I am going to a tutoring session at 8am if it fucking kills me. I don't care if its 3:21am right now. I don't care that I cant find my laptop charger or my phone charger. I don't care that I am sleeping on the floor because I am to lazy to get into my bed and this nest I've made is actually really comfy. I AM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING I SAY I WILL. NO MORE EXCUSES. FUCK THAT. LETS ROCK! I'll let you know what a productive day I have tomorrow.

Schedule:

8am tutoring
10:40am Algebra
12:30pm meet with JC to give her impromptu random gift and coffee
3:00pm meet with TW to hang out, possible sex
5:30pm should be home
-work on vision board
-work on business class
-work on math
-read book
-sleep

xxx

June 9th 2013

My mother woke me up this morning at 11am and I was in total confusion. She asked me if I wanted to go to coffee with her and her friend. I told her I would meet her there so that I could have time to get ready. If you read last nights post I'm pretty sure I mentioned the valium that I was taking. Funny story, it totally fucked me. Like one moment I was all like oo ahh taking a nice relaxing shower with a nice relaxed buzz and all of a sudden its morning and Im passed out on my bed, I didnt even make it underneath the covers. Worst of all I have no idea what happened, like no recollection. All I remember is that at one point I was cleaning my room, it was nice because I woke up to a very organized closet. But I dont remember getting into bed or what I was doing after I cleaned my room like I have absolutely NO idea. I wasnt out thank God but I was looking at the last texts I sent out and they were totally unreadable. I think I'm going to save the rest of my valium for a night where I have absolutely nothing to do and then take it all at once and just see what happens. I had a very relazing day though, I went shopping with mother and bought a new pair of panties, $45 but worth every penny, also I got a really cute purple tunic. after that we went home and relaxed. A little later MK called and her and I went for froyo. Now its like 3:17am and I haven't done anything I was supposed to. I cant find my laptop charger or my phone charger but ill deal with it in a few hours when the sun comes up.

xxx

June 8th 2013

Today was like an interesting day I got a lot that I wanted to do done. I went to work and I did things there, now all I want to do is take a valuim and chill the fuck out but first and foremost I am making ebay posts and saving them as drafts and afterward im going to post them as soon as my Paypal account is confirmed. Trying to be productive and find new ways to generate money. I think its working well for me so far. I want to take a shower, that Adderal was making me sweat like a psycho last night and I didnt have a chance to shower so now I just feel gross. I worked super hard today and am trying to calculate my hours at work lets see....

Monday- Closed
Tuesday- 2:30-5:00
Wednesday- 3:05-6:30
Thursday- Didnt work
Friday- 12:30-7:45
Saturday- 10:15- 5:30

I guess my hours were okay this week. I hope that she pays me tomorrow. Wont be back in the store until tuesday thank God. The shitty weather isnt to great for business but I've made some decent sales. Thank God for my dad for buying a $450 jacket from us. He loves his couture as much as I do mine. I'm posting some things on Ebay for my boss as well. I guess I'll go do that now. I always wanted to get started on a vision board. I need to make a list of things to complete for sunday and monday. Might as well do it on here.

List of Things to do:

SUNDAY

1. Stop by store to pick up cookbook and paycheck
2. Go to the gym with DB
3. Study Math and work on online business course
4. Work on vision board
5. Read at least two chapters of a book

MONDAY:
 8am- Math help
10:45am- class
12:10-get out of class
12:45- go to gym with DB
Have the rest of the day to do as you please.
TODAY WILL BE ONE WEEK SINCE YOU LAST HAD SEX.

My sexy neighbor is hitting on me but like the guy I have been screwing....the only guy I've hooked up in awhile is holding me back. The thing is I know we are just a hook up and I accept that. But he's like a trustworthy person and I like hooking up with him like he fulfills what I need for now the only problem is I always feel kind of on edge with him like I never know like will we be fucking again or is this the last time? Like I dont want to be a bother to him either and be like fuck me all the time but I mean if we're fucking then I want to be doing it a bit more often. Literally the minute I get paid I am going to my psychic like I need to figure out my situation. Last time I went to my psychic she told me that I would be in a relationship soon. I'm really excited to see what changes are coming in the near future, psychics chill me out and help me figure things out and see things clearer, the psychic I'm planning on going to this time is a different one than my usual so I am really excited to try her out. So excited to get paid tomorrow.

XO

Online Course

I took my last Adderal to work on my online course. Taking a little break right now to write this. Literally this is so obnoxious but I will persevere and get through it. Cannot wait to finally have a break in August so that I can just work and finally have a real break! I know hard work pays off and I know I can do this. I've totally been stressing about my math class I know that I just need to persevere and get through it so that I can finally just be finished and move on with my life. I also need to find someone to get me more addy so I can study like this. God I actually like studying but classes just get overwhelming when you have teachers that overwhelm you. My teacher told me you get extra credit for making flash cards so I am literally going to make a shit tone and study my ass off in math so that I can get a passing grade. Literally I am just shooting for a D. Lets get it!

XP

Friday, June 7th, 2013h

I have started this blog because I have decided that my life is important, Important enough that I am going to document every aspect of it. If you are interested read it, if not don't. I believe my life is a great one. One worth writing about. So lets begin with today. Today was a great day, I woke up thinking that I had to give this silly boy a ride to work, turns out he got a ride so I could have gone to the gym instead of getting up and getting pretty to go pick him up. Oh well I guess lesson learned, never cancel your plans for a boy. I've done it a million times but whatever I'm not making anymore exceptions to the rule. After I got all pretty I decided fuck it no one is home and smoked a little weed, I don't normally do this but figured under the circumstances it was acceptable, I didn't have enough time to go to the gym before work so I figured why not chill out and smoke some pot. So I did. After I did I hung out and watched t.v. I opened up the store I work at around 12 and made almost $300 in sales. My goal for today was $500 but thankfully at the end of the day my dad came in and saw a jacket for $450 that he wants, so I put it on hold and he's coming in tomorrow to pick it up so that equals to about $730 in sales that I have for sure for the weekend. I want to make $1300 for the store by Sunday night. I can do it, I know I can no problem. I'm a fabulous sales girl but I want to find a waitressing job soon. My parents are out for the night so I'm just home alone reading a book and writing. Not much has happened today but it was a good day at work. I cannot wait to get paid I need money in my make account. I was thinking of posting things on eBay but am feeling a little too lazy to do so right now. Not exactly lazy just tired. God knows that selling things on there is a process if you want to do it the right way, but I'm a totally eBay pro. Making money is my thing. I can make cash quick that's for sure, its a skill my dad taught me. Like right when I think "fuck I'm broke as a joke" I'm like "Oh wait...bam $300!". But lets see not much else happened today, Lauren visited me at the store and I'm taking my Gwyneth diet seriously from now on. Be sure to check out goop.com if your into health and things Gwyneth Paltrow has a bunch of amazing recipes on there also I TOTALLY love her cook book. I'm really trying to be a healthier better me. Pray that I can pass this dumb math class, I only have three weeks in it left so I need to put my all into it and boost my grade up as high as I possibly can. I'm really trying to get organized. Planning on heading to the gym with Davis and Greer tomorrow around 7:30 a.m those bitches better get up because I'm going hard! I think I need to stop using my phone so much, I'm putting my self on a strict schedule this summer is all about getting my life together and growing the fuck up.

XO